I honestly can’t wait for this semester to end. Between everything that has been happening here and with everything at home, it’s going to be good to get away from people and just relax for a few weeks before starting to bust my ass again. I miss my family like crazy; I haven’t seen them since Christmas. I miss being able to isolate myself and just not have to DEAL with people so much. Being back in the middle of nowhere for a while is exactly what I’m going to need to d-stress from all this. It’ll give me time to put matters in prospective and allow me time to start thinking about everything that is to come with senior year. It’s hard to believe that this is almost all over, that by this time next year I’ll be starting a whole new chapter in my life. Thank god I really don’t have to think about any of it until the fall though. For now, I just have to ride out the next three weeks before I can get my real break from everything.
So today I kissed James Marsters (Spike from Buffy)
He told me “I love my life” after and he told me I look fantastic and he loves my look and then I asked him to speak to me in his British accent and he called me “love” and “babe” and said my name and told me iwas lovely and he hugged me and held my hand and I’m gonna pass out
So jealous of you.
The more I think about it, the more I realize how some of my decisions have been based solely on the hope for a little more time. Reflecting on it, I’ve become one of those girls I absolutely hate. Letting my emotions get in the way of logic runs deeper than I ever thought. I mean I understand why things are like they are and why I feel like I do — not to mention the beliefs of why it’s all justified— but I can’t shake the fact that perhaps I wouldn’t have been acting like I have it I had just stepped back and realized what I was doing sooner. The fact that I wanted — and still do in some ways — to stay in Farmington for the rest of May should say something to me. I haven’t seen my family since Christmas and while life in that area is fucked up, it isn’t the reason I wanted to stay around campus. I want(ed) to stay here because of him and it’s STUPID that THAT is my reason. I’ll never deny my feelings for him, but I can’t do that to myself. If I stay, all I’m doing is prolonging the inevitable and that is we will be ending soon. His life is taking him nowhere that my life is going to be taking me and he shouldn’t have to tied down to someone that doesn’t have a similar path as him. Besides, we’ve already talked about it and we are done when me graduates. Allowing any hope to get back in is only going to make matters worse for me. I can’t deny that what I’d kind of like to happen and what is going to happen is the same, because it’s not. However, I have no qualms with where things are going because honestly, trying with distance would break ties faster than anything else. I hate distance probably as much as he does and the similar views we both have is what has made everything is good as it is. The fact of the matter is, spending over a year with someone, you’re bond to develop feelings whether you meant to or not and accepting them is the first step of trying to get over them. It’ll be a hard road and it’ll hurt more than anyone will ever hear me admit, but it’s life. If I was to expect from all of this then I’d really be lying to myself. So, I love the guy. It doesn’t change anything. This whole thing has just been a good experience for me, especially given my past, and that’s what I’m going to focus on from now until we go our separate ways.
There are times in life when everything seems so great that the idea of that coming to an end is heartbreaking. Logic no longer exists and it’s your emotions that take precedence over your life. The fact that an idea on its own has such power over me pisses me off to no fucking end. It makes me realize how much I’ve been lying to myself about a lot of things lately. When I decided to just accept everything as it was and just ride it out, I found myself becoming numb. The worst part is that I thought it was what I wanted, but I’ve realized I was wrong. A part of me wants to speak my mind, tell people the truth, but I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s not like saying something is going to change things. It’s not like knowing how I really feel is going to matter in ANY way shape or form. All it will do is make this awkward and make him think I expect more when I really expect nothing. I know where things are going and I accepted that a long time ago, but I can’t stop from feeling the way I do because my stupid heart has gotten the idea in it’s head that there is more there than there actually is. Hope is a bitch and I wish I could strangle it, but again, I know I can’t. I need to pretend like none of it exists because it’s the only way to start to get over it all. However, there’s still a month to go and as much as I try to push everything back, pretend the feelings aren’t there, I realize,every time I see the bugger, that they are and I hate it. I like him too much for my own damn good and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I guess I just need to learn to accept it and move on.